The York Colleges Guild of Bellringers

The Quotes Page

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Lilah: "I'm going to feel weird when I pull this out of my bum"

Lilah: "Who's banging my bum?"

Helen R.: "I don't want to be an umbrella kebab...I'm not a kebab"

Helen R.: "Sam, that's sticky!"

Helen R.: "If my face was a whore, it would have been all over you by now"

Sam: "You stole my cherry! ... Both my cherries!"

Sam: "The same guy des my mum (Chiropractor)"

Tom: "I'll do you next"

Lilah: "Helen this is so erotic - I love it." (Whilst making pancakes)

Lilah: "Stop groping me, Sam! I want to get to her." (Whilst lunging for Helen R.)

Stephen: "I'm well impressed, Lottie. I'll employ you as my fag lady!"

Helen R (to Lottie): "Wifey, I'm going to spike your cupcake with love juice."

Lilah: "Helen, this is a bad idea. We'll have sticky ropes."

Kevin: "How do you get chlamydia in your eye?"
Jenni: "How do you think you get chlamydia in your eye?"
All: "...Eyww."

Tom (to Lilah): "If we find a sex rave party on Hull road, can we please not go to it?"

Tom: "I'm intending to become Kevin, actually."

Matthew: "I don't like faffing around; I like to just get in, get out and go."

Lilah: "Matthew was good on top, but next time we'll try with me on top and him behind."

Helen: "Are you actually comparing Kevin with Mr. Darcy?"

Helen (to Matthew): "You are not squatting in my room!"

Tom: "You think I'm going to do that on video?!"

Lottie: "So you're a girl now?"
Matthew I: "Yes!"

Matthew G: "I did Lilah at the NUA"

Matthew G (shocked): "Are you eating a salad, James?"

Sam: "This is O.K. to bash your head against, it's pretty soft."
Lottie (rapping her knuckles on the wall, hard): "Ow! No it's not!"

Lilah: "Gillete for men, vibrating razor. that sounded exciting, so I bought one!"

Lilah: "Will you sing with me, Sam?"
Sam (meekly): "It's early, and you've fed me Pringles and no water..."

Lilah: "I give him alcohol, he gives me wet tissues."

Lilah: "Get on your knees, Michael."

Kevin: "Make your choice; Regina or heinous."

Jeni: "He says this like I've never lent any of my underwear to men."

Sophie: "Stop groping me!"
Kevin "I was helping... If I was groping you it would feel like this."

Lilah: "I like a bit of chunk!"

Lilah: "Hang on a moment! I should flash you, shouldn't I?"

Jen (to Beccy): "Swallow, swallow, swallow!"

Sam: "You can't beat a bit of wood."

Beccy: "Eyww, eyww, man cooties inside my teletubby suit."

Mike: "Uh... Alice, one of us is one fire, and it isn't me."

Beccy: "Come back, I'm not clever!"

David: "Come hither, Lucy..."

Sam: "Argh! Lottie was poking it in my ear!"

Lottie: "I can't breathe"
Sam: "I can give you something to inhale on."

Lilah: "Your orange TARDIS is wonky."

Lottie (with a barman behind her): "Some of these barmen are really hot!"

Paul Mason: "It's a very salty pint. Don't ask what's in it."

Lilah: "They'll just think you've got 4-inch nipples."

Lilah: "This is a treasure trove of humour. You can look back at this in five years' time and think 'what a bunch of losers.'"

Karen: "I don't think that's the best way to secrete it."

Karen (to Lilah): "Why are you looking a my tits all the time?!"

Lilah: "Why's my bag all open?"
Karen: "Because I've been rifling through it."

Lilah: "Haha, fingers, fingers!"

Matt G: "Guy whose name I can't remember... I've forgotten the question."

Karen: "A bar of chocolate's 40p, sex is more expensive."

Karen: "He was too conservative for [Lilah's] wild tastes."

Karen: "Celibacy is sounding more and more appealing."

Karen: "Surely the Efes man isn't that bad!"

Lilah: "Arthur's not very camp."
Matt G: "He was when he was with me."

Karen (to Lilah): "May I supplant your crap and sit on it?"

Lottie Flower (dryly): "Yes, it's lovely. It's a circle with a flower... Oooh, flower! *squeak*"

Lilah: "My whole life is an opportunity to be naked."

Matthew Illman: "I can't do you, I'm busy."

Kevin: "Does it have sex in it?"
Emma: "No."
Kevin (disappointedly): "Oh. Ok then."

Emma: "I'm sorry, I'll stop stroking you."

Matthew: "What're you doing, Lilah?"
Lilah: "I'm just playing with my toy."

Beccy: "I'm the new god. I am better than the old god."

David Roberts: "Zombies don't carry umbrellas."

Arthur: "Just think of the stains!"

David P: "I just lay back and was perfect..."

MJJ: "I've never been barred from anywhere."
Char: "Sorry, you're trying to attract David Denbigh?"

James (to Jeni): "We didn't do anything with the banana last night."

Kevin (to Char): "What's my speech impediment?"
Char: "You open your mouth and a load of rubbish comes out."

David P: "Do you want a job Charlotte? Sharpening my pencil?"
Char: "Yes. I've already done that."

Jeni: "I use the bum for everything..."

MJJ (to Nicola): "Do you have stretch marks?"

Rob: Are they truffles?
MJJ: Yes, they're truffles. Well, I think they're truffles. Actually, what are truffles?"

MJJ: I couldn't kill an animal. I could kill a human, no problem.

Nicola: It's more when I'm awake, when I'm dreaming...

Rob: He's not on the list of men I'd sleep with, put it that way.

Rob: "As John Smith's goes, it was actually quite nice!"

David Denbigh: "The only thing I dreamt about last night was Kevin... dream after dream..."

Roy (to Lilah): "Oh, use me if you want."

Lilah (to Roy): "And then you started stroking your phallic wooden spoon and that was it."

Char: "Shit in the bottle and you might get water."

Roy (to Kevin): "I might be pulling here - get off!"

Karen (to Roy): "Syphilis is quite exciting."

Karen: "I like the idea of pulling things off decisively."

Char: "Karen's quite good. I've never experienced any problems sleeping with Karen."

Allen (Ringing master): "It's perfectly reasonable to hit the stay and go the wrong way... I do."

Allen (to Kevin and Karen, re. Lincolnshire S Max): "You get some nice roll ups in the plain course."
Karen and Kevin: "Err"
Allen: "Well you do, don't you??"

Kevin (to Rob, discussing the merits of Lincolnshire S Max): "Is it pants then?"
Rob (to Kevin): "Er, it's not pants, but it's not exactly lingerie."

Allen (to Char): "Just swallow it without tasting and it'll be all right."

Daisy: "I wouldn't say that I was a woman." *Giggle*

Kevin: "I promise not to penetrate said sheep."

Karen (to MJJ): "You can tie me to your bed with bell ropes!"

Matthew (to Allen): "Will you strap me on this one, Allen?"

MJJ: "They all think I'm a genius."

MJJ: "So I put it in my mouth and it was like 'Zzzz Zzzz' and I was like, bloody hell, this is really good."

MJJ: "I'm not being spoken to like that by someone who doesn't have a degree."

MJJ (to Nicola): "Why don't you like rugby? The men are far fitter than in football. Their shoulders are far broader."

Kevin (to Char): "It took all my energy to get my leg there..."

Matthew: "I can be sexy in my dreams"
Matt G: "You can be sexy in Arthur's dreams as well"

Arthur: "You'd better dance with me at dinner day"
Matt G: "No, I'm going to dance with Kevin and make you jealous"

David Denbigh: "Helen, who I can't put my finger on, is coming"

Matt G: "I have grabbed David's nuts, they are quite warm"

David Denbigh: "I haven't had old Rosie for a long time"

James: "You have to notice how every time somebody mentions a quarter Allen gets excited."
David Denbigh (looking under the table): "Yes, he is erect"
Allen: "Sorry I missed that?"

Matt G: "So James, are you a guy or a doll?"

Matthew: "The bitch is back"

Karen (to Daisy): "Hold still Daisy while I insert this pigeon."

Char: "You know that the t-shirt that you wear doesn't alter who your parents are, as far as I'm aware"

Kevin: "I don't remember."

David D: "Muffin me up"

MJJ: "How many people have rung peals in these feet tonight?"

Matt G: "I can't possibly drink any more Pringles"

David D: "Oh yes, my shoe, that's the answer"

Matt G: "I was looking through photos on your camera and I thought 'who's that random girl?' ... and it was me"

Kevin: "Open wide, I need to get the flash AND the zoom in"

Char: "Be careful Nicola - Matthew Jones is talking."

Kevin: "I am not keen on Mozart, it's never loud enough."
Allen: "If you play Mozart loud enough it will be Beethoven."
Karen: "Does that mean if you play Beethoven quietly it's Mozart?"

Kevin attempts to feed Jeni a large sandwich.
Jeni: "How can I fit all that in my mouth?"
David D: "Just open wide and think of me."

Rob (re David Potter): "You don't want to end up underneath him..."

Matt G (re MJJ): "He could clearly out run us..."

Matthew J: "I need it so that I can go to The Gallery, who's got my exam?"

Matthew J: "It was so exciting you could set your cat by the rhythm"

Allen: "I feel that I should put my trousers back on."

Kevin: "Matthew, we need to stop your verbal diarrhoea."
Rob: "What's herbal diarrhoea?"
Allen: "Well if you're going to have diarrhoea, it may as well smell nice."

Kevin: "I don't like golf. It's like ringing, but without the golf ball."

Matthew Greenaway: "I thought that if we both blow, it would stay up."

Kevin: "I like it going in and out."

Allen: "Kevin, that's not the seatbelt."

Taffus (on why he takes so long in the shower): "I've got so many bits to explore"

Matt G: "Allen's very good - he's very forceful"

Kevin: "I put my hand up Clare's chimney and there was quite a good draw"

Matt G to Kevin: "I can't reach down to your crotch area"

Matt G: "We were completely excited when we discovered the word sodomy"

Nicki C to Matt G: "No don't take it out, don't take it out!"
Kevin to Nicki C: "Do you shout that in moments of passion?"

Kevin to Daisy: "No don't squeeze it - just take it out! Hurry!"

Rob to Matthew J: "To be fair, no-one's going to be looking at your shirt"
Allen to Matthew J: "Or your crotch"

Rob to Matthew J: "Don't hold my hand!"

Rob to Nicola: "Who would have thought such small hands could..."

Allen: "The word that comes to mind is... droopy"

Kevin: "That was quite exhilarating!"
Matthew J: "Do you want to get down and do it again?"

Arthur to Nicola: "You didn't do me. No, that's wrong - you didn’t navigate me"

Arthur: "What's a five angled triangle?"

Matt G: "They were working me into the threesome somehow"

Jeni: "Don't ask, just get it out!"

Taffus: "I tossed and turned all night!"

Kevin to Rob: "My bum's really sore from what you did to me last night"

Taffus: "I had Arthur up me the other day..."

Kevin: "I think we [the YCG] should have a Christmas wanking session"

Jeni to James Knowles: "I was waiting...PULL OUT, PULL OUT, PULL OUT... but he didn't!"

Karen: "Damn - my cover's been blown. I knew I shouldn't have snogged him..."

Kevin to Nicola: "What position?"

Kevin: "I'm swinging both ways at the moment"

Nicola to Kevin: "I can blow quicker than a foot pump"

Kevin to Allen: "You're just constantly... fiddling"

Karen (following conversation about the man who distracts ringing at Spurriergate by using the toilet): "It was even better when the woman took a shower"

Jeni: "I said I'd try a test one to see if I could swallow it"

Arthur: "All you have to do is spoon with other people to keep warm"

Kevin to Charlotte (Leeds): "Does that go up when you're aroused? No, I meant stimulated"

Allen: "There's a discussion about Arthur and Matt snuggling"

Karen to Allen: "You're doing a lot of rogering today"
Allen to Karen: "No more than usual"

Kevin: "I'll have whatever's cheap and large"

Kevin: "What are these knobbly bits?"

Kevin: "Surrounding yourself with women is the only way"

Kevin: "I don't squeal? It depends what you do to me..."

Nicola: "I don't have dangly bits"

Kevin: "Hang your coats on your nipples"

Kevin to Nicola: "I'll strip your willow any time"

Allen: "I like pies - they're not as good as E's though"

Arthur: "She obviously didn't enjoy the night as much as I did"

Kevin to Allen: "You can start to suck on it now"
Allen: "No, I'll spill!"

Kevin: "I don't like beer"
Do we believe that really???

Kevin: "I saw Mary on campus and she said 'are you good with oil?'"
Allen: "And you said 'what type?'"

David D to Nicola: "I'm sorry, you're not homosexual enough for me to ring at your wedding"

Kevin: "Bellringing - it's like riding a bicycle only without the bell"

David D (referring to Allen): "I didn't lick his earwax - I stuck my finger in his ear and licked it"

Matthew Jones to Pat Hearn: "I'll take you out any time, Pat!"

Arthur to Daisy: "You touched my... er... y'know..."

Rob (concluding a discussion on why people pay to go on ghost walks in York): "If I want to listen to a load of bollocks I don't need to pay for it. I can just go and sit in a pub with Matthew Jones for free."

Arthur to Matt G: "Can we get down a second?" [5 seconds later]... "That was quite entertaining. Can we do it again?"

Matthew Jones: "Arthur, I have memories of you being an innocent little boy."

In Border's Bookshop. Kevin is flicking through 'Who's Who'.
Matthew Jones: "Am I in there?"
Guy: "Look under W..."

Karen Owen: "Don't stick my gecko in your ear."

Karen Owen: "Stop fiddling with my knobs."

Matthew Jones: "Where have you been?"
Arthur: "Toilet"
Matthew Jones: "Were you intercepted there?"

Matthew Jones: "That was the weirdest experience; I was sat in the urinal..."

Matthew Jones: "Arthur, have you been at it again?"

David Denbigh: "I've got the nickname 'The Beast'."

Matthew Jones (using his left hand to shake the torch which has to be shaken to charge it up): "I'm practicing using the hand which I don't normally use."

Matthew Jones: "You're not supposed to talk. You just go to pull something!"

Matt G to Matthew J: "Face it Matthew, you just can't keep it up"
Matthew J: "Watch out, Matthew, or else I'll practice my bayonet drill on you."

Arthur to Matthew Jones: "Every time you open your mouth...
No Matthew, don't put it in...
Why are you putting it in?"

Matthew Greenaway: "I keep one hand on the gear stick at all times!"

Arthur to Matthew Jones: "I can't handle Matthew's head"

Taffus (yet again!) to Tim Bradley: "All I seem to do these days is fire blanks."

Arthur: "I Know deep down you ALL would rather wake up with me! :) If for some bizarre reason you do end up waking up next to me - milk, no sugar!"

Taffus: "There's nothing better than lying in sheep shit on the side of a wooded hill banging off a few rounds as fast as you can."

Matthew Greenaway: "I can just do without the bra but that's it..."

Female-who-shall-remain-nameless (referring to Matthew Jones in his army uniform): "What a babe!"

Hey Ladies!
Hey, ladies...

David (referring to quarter peals): "It doesn't matter if we don't get them."
(Quote here by special request of Miss Elkington!)

David to Arthur (whilst attempting to ring down in peal): "Arthur, what the f*** are you doing?"

Arthur to Matthew Jones: "Ooh - I saw you thrusting out on the front page of the Ringing World."

David Denbigh: "I'm not stupid."
(Followed by laughter from a number of people)

Arthur (looking in bemusement at the large adjustable spanner in his hand): "How do you adjust this thing?"

A Spanner
Arthur with the spanner
Arthur with the very spanner about which the quote was made...