Coping: A Survival Guide for People with Asperger Syndrome

Sexually related problems and points about going out

Amongst young people there is much more talk and humour about sex than there are people doing it.
The rules for men and women are different.
If a man has had lots of girl-friends then he might be called a stud or a stallion. This is a compliment.
Most men tend to be attracted to women who are good-looking, supportive and strong-minded but this may vary from one man to another.
If a woman has had lots of boyfriends then she might be called a sl*t, a sl*g or a tart. This is an insult however unfair this rule may seem. When someone calls a woman a name like this for a joke, they have to make sure that it sounds like a joke and it has to be at the right time. If you are not sure when the right time is, it is better not to say it at all.
Most women tend to be attracted to men who are fairly good looking, gentlemanly, able to read their signals on boundaries (see body language), polite, clean, honest, not trying too hard to impress, adaptable, positive, supportive, charismatic, fun to be with, having character in their voice, not too meek but not macho either and who show an interest in their feelings. It is rare to find a man with all these qualities together and most women do not expect perfection.
As surely as the rules differ between women and men so too do the rules governing gays and lesbians.
Knowing all the different swear-words and various slang is important if you want to understand most of the humour amongst young people. If you'd rather not use these words yourself then you don't have to and this might be a good thing. However, you can look them up in a dictionary if it is modern enough and large enough.
Getting too close to someone can sometimes get you into trouble unless you have already established an intimate friendship with that person. However, you might not want to put up barriers either. If you are a man then if you allow other people to come up and flirt with you but you don't go up and flirt with them you will probably be taking a trouble-free option and this is probably good (see boundaries).
If you are a woman be choosy about the people you flirt with. If you flirt with a man who has a serious lack of respect for boundaries, he might start to make a nuisance of himself.
When it comes to physical contact between yourself and other people, try to develop for yourself a sense of what is and isn't 'appropriate' otherwise certain people may become mysteriously unfriendly towards you without ever actually telling you why.
If you have a crush on someone don't let anyone know in public. People might start making fun of it and your chances will probably be ruined. You may secretly tell a friend you know and trust if you think they might be able to help. Tips for asking people out are mentioned in this chapter.
If you are a virgin don't tell anyone and try to avoid related topics of conversation, especially if you are a man. There are plenty of virgins out there, many of them in their thirties and very few of them actually tell people. If you have already told people, don't worry, just don't tell anyone else.
If people make fun of you just because you are a virgin don't let them think it is getting to you and try not to let them sway you into becoming someone with just one thing on your mind as this will cause you a lot of distress.
Also don't worry about getting your end away just so that you can say you've done it. Besides when asked 'have you done it?' it is usually more admirable to laughingly say something like 'what's it to you', 'that's personal' or 'mind your own business'. This can easily fool the other person into thinking you've done it anyway. After all, if someone else said one of these things to you what would they lead you into believing?
If you have recently been out with someone or been to bed with someone your friends and peers might rather persistently try to find out as much as they possible can about your encounter. This can be extremely embarrassing. In such situations you may decide to disclose absolutely nothing at all, hoping they will lose interest. Alternatively, you can simply NOT take it seriously and laughingly give them ridiculous exaggerations of what happened.
Some men find it difficult to understand that the very idea of boosting their own egos by collecting memories of sexual liaisons with as many different women as they can is insulting or degrading to a woman's ego.
Many people in all honesty find their first experience of sex disappointing.

Nights Out

The best reason for having an evening or a night out in a pub or a night club is to have a good time and talk to people.
You will probably have a much better time if you have a night out with friends rather than if you go out alone.
On a night out the rules regarding body language become more important.
Be careful with your gaze (unless of course you are talking with someone). If you look at someone for too long they will probably notice you out of the corner of their eye. This may cause them discomfort. They might then tell their friends about it and become secretively unfriendly towards you. This is especially true about men staring at women.
Some people can be very polite to you but be rude about you behind your back. If you want a clue as to whether or not they really like you see the rules on eye contact.
If you have been invited to a party it is best to turn up at least half an hour late.
It is good to have a bath or shower before you go out.
It is best not to be the firston the dance floor even if you can't see anything wrong with this yourself. This doesn't mean you can try and persuade someone else to be the first.
If you are at a night club and it is difficult to join in a conversation with people because of the music being too loud then you might be one of these people who is better off in pubs or parties at people's houses.
If you like drinking alcohol because it makes you more sociable one or two pints is probably enough. Try not to drink to the extent that you make a spectacle of yourself because you might very well cause people to lose interest in you or to take advantage of you.
Most people do NOT think that smoking is cool so don't think about taking it up for this reason.
If you go to a party at someone's house there might be cannabis going around. Cannabis comes under many different names including gear, dope, weed, grass, pot, draw and marihuana. It is usually rolled up with tobacco into joints or spliffs. If you feel a need to join in with this walk of life bear in mind the many risks and know that it can make you less sociable while you smoke it. Also drugs might affect you differently to how they affect other people because your brain chemistry will be slightly different.
Be very careful where and when you talk about illegal substances because they ARE illegal.
NEVER buy illegal substances off the streets, it will almost invariably be a con and the people selling them might take it the wrong way and get violent if you try to be friendly with them.

Chat ups

If you decide to go out with the thought of pulling or asking someone out in mind then the following tips might help you; but it is essential that you first read the chapters on body language (especially boundaries, eye contact and dress sense) distortions of truth, conversation, humour and conflict and sex related humour. It would be best to have in fact read all the points in the book leading up to this one.
Chatting someone up is traditionally said to be the man's job but these days it is not uncommon for the woman to take an active role.
If you wish to chat up someone else the best thing to do is just to talk to them and NOT get too close at first.
Suitable boundaries may vary from one person to another (see body language).
It is important not to appear too eager.
If you are a man do not wear too much after shave.
Don't chat up just anyone, make sure it's someone you like.
If a man seduces a woman who is drunk, then in the eyes of everyone else he is taking advantage of her.
If you are a man don't drop any hints about how much you fancy someone however subtle they may be. This will only weaken your chances. If you do drop any hints at all it may be best if they are hints of sincere admiration.
If you are a woman and you drop hints as above to a man, he might start expecting more of you than you meant to offer.
If a woman doesn't want to go out with a man, she will let him know by slipping the words 'my boyfriend' into the conversation. This might sometimes mean lying but it is thought by most people to be the most gentle way of letting the man know.
Chatting someone up is not really that different from an informal interview. Don't forget to look at their face more than two thirds of the time (maybe more) whilst listening or speaking and smile a bit. If they are doing the same it means they like you too.
If you wish to ask someone out, do it casually and sincerely and where no-one else can hear.
The time it takes between meeting someone for the first time and becoming partners with them can be anywhere from a few minutes to hours, days, weeks, months or even years. If it only takes seconds however there is probably something wrong.
You may find someone to go out with at ANY time, it is highly unpredictable.
You might end up spending an evening or two or three with someone you really like and who really builds up your hopes up, only to find that they disappoint you. This can happen to anyone and is hardest to cope with when you are new to going out with people.
Many people will go out with each other in secret or will spend much time flirting with each other but never admit that they are going out together. This is often the nature of an open relationship.
Finding the right moment to make that first move is probably the most difficult thing of all and you may need to break some of the rules I have given (cheating a little). Asking someone out is a bit like gambling all your self esteem and taking complete pot luck. But if they turn you down it DOES NOT mean it was stupid to ask.
Always be responsible and remember the importance of safer sex.

Invitation

It is bad manners to turn up at someone else's house uninvited unless they have said 'come round anytime' in which case they could mean about once a month or they could mean every other day depending on many things.
On the other hand it can sometimes be difficult to know what constitutes an invitation.
It is often best to phone first before turning up at someone's house.
In some setting e.g. student hall the rules are slightly different because people are often running in and out of each others flats anyway. None the less still be careful.
An Invitation to a party does NOT mean that you have to go if you don't want to.
If you gate-crash a party with more than 20 people but keep a low profile, nobody should mind.
It is sometimes difficult to know whether or not you are overstaying your welcome at some one else's house or whether they would like you to stay longer. If they say they are feeling tired then this might be a gentle hint that they want you to go. If they are smiling, giving you plenty of eye contact and showing an interest in the conversation they probably want you to stay.

Personal Security

It is best for anyone, male or female, to avoid walking alone late at night down deserted or badly lit streets but here are some tips for protecting yourself:
Always make sure your wallet is out of sight.
You may do well to look over your shoulder every now and then.
Don't look down, look straight ahead.
Look like you know where you are going and show no fear.
Following these guide-lines will make you look less vulnerable and more able to defend yourself. Some people find taking classes in martial arts helps them to be (and look) confident.
If someone threatens you and you start running just keep on running.
If it is too late or you are unable to run, let them have your wallet if they ask for it. This is a small price to pay for your personal security.
If they take your wallet cancel all your credit cards as soon as possible and get them replaced.
Never try and bargain or reason with your mugger(s).
Finally, ALWAYS phone your mum or dad and let them know if you have decided to stay the night at someone else's house or they will be so worried they will call the police to search for you. (I'm assuming you remebered to tell them you were going out for the evening in the first place!)

Rape Crisis

In the unfortunate event that you might ever be on the receiving end of a sexual attack, it is probably a good idea to scream at the top of your voice before the attacker gets the chance to threaten you to be silent.
The police do advise women to carry rape alarms with them just in case.
Most rape victims know their attackers. What's more, most rapes do not happen on the streets.
Don't for get than men can be raped too, though they are often more afraid to report it.
If it has already happened to you, you are NOT the only one and it is NOT your fault and if you tell the right people they WILL believe you.
If a simple 'no' is not enough, then what the hell is?